So far so fast....

My little girl is sleeping peacefully, and I spent the past 10 minutes just watching her sleep. I never get tired of looking at her.

Now that Aubrey is doing so well, I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about her birth and how far she has already come. Here is the last pregnancy photo I ever took. Aubrey was born just a few days later. At the time, I had no idea what was about to happen:

 Here is how my little girl looked the very first time that I met her. Right after she was born, they took her straight to the NICU and I didn't get to see her for a couple of hours until after I got out of recovery. Steven still laughs because I convinced the nurse that I was just fine and walked myself up to the NICU just a couple of hours after giving birth.

And, here is Aubrey now- completely healthy and completely thriving:

When she was in the NICU, I was pretty strong. I only had a few breakdowns, and I did what I needed to do to take her home. I was pretty much on autopilot. Looking back, some of the stuff she went through was pretty scary. The nurses even told me that she was a candidate for failure to thrive because she struggled so much with weight gain in the NICU. So now, when I look at her chubby cheeks, I am just so grateful.

As hard as the whole experience was for me, I feel like it has made me appreciate motherhood so much more. It was harder for Steven and I to get pregnant with Aubrey than I would have liked and it was harder for her to come into this world than I would have liked.

But, I don't really take anything for granted- not even the little things like how she can eat and breathe. Because I remember when she struggled to eat and struggled to breathe.

I will admit that at times I still feel guilty. I think that motherhood always comes with some guilt because you always want to make sure you are doing your best for your baby. But, I think that having a premature baby adds extra guilt. I know deep down that it wasn't my fault... but I still think- "did I not gain enough weight?" "Was I too busy/stressed at work?" "Was it my fault that she has already had to go through so much?"

I'm also scared for future children. They did a pathology report on my placenta, and basically it showed that my placenta had aged. And, the OB said that I have a small uterus. So, the chances of having another baby premature are higher than I would like. But, I try not to dwell on that fact. I wonder if I will ever get to go to the hospital excited to give birth, not terrified because I know it is just too early.

However, for now I'll just hug my little girl and be so grateful that she is ours and that she is doing so well.

She is such a sweet, good baby. I feel like I must have had to earn the privilege of being her mom, and that is why we had to go through so much. And I am thankful every day that she is mine. I love being her mom more than anything.